Royalti

Ama bit swoony today havin’ met Royalti, I musta bin a bit nervious coz a popped-off when I curtseyed, sor right nobody heard it an’ it wernt wiffy or owt so I gorra way wiv it. Mind you my Byron gave me one of his looks when I asked the Princey geezer how come he looked like his Mum but his brovver looked like James Hewitt? Well, he duz dun he. To be ‘onest I dint understand a word he wuz sayin’, he spoke real posh an’ blathered on abowt nuffin’ really.
My Byron wernt too ‘appy abowt ‘avin’ his photo took, he dunt like ‘avin’ his photo took, well apart frum those times in the bedroom when he wuz ‘andcuffed and wearin’ my.... thats anovva story an’ I wont bore yaw iv it now. He wuz fur fer really angry when it were in the paper, he said it made him look fat..... I kept stum.
We ‘ad that Ronnie geezer nock on us door the ova night, it were funny watchin’ him walk backwards bowing an’ apologisin’ he dint know it were our house, we dint ‘alf have a laff when he’d gone, he must ‘ave loadsa money though, my Byron says hes a right Midland Banker.
Gorra go I is late fer me bikini waxin’.

We Erns His Money We Duz

I aint ‘appy, I aint ‘appy arall. We’ve just got back frum Jamaica (I calls it Didyamakeher) to a shite loada FOIs askin’ how much dosh my Byron makes, of course he makes loadsa money but he earns it, we just got back frum Didyamakeher doin’ this study fer the council on turtles and it were real dangerous it were, one of them turtles coulda bitten us, well they coulda if they’d bin there, apparently we went at the wrong time of year ta sees ‘em, but it cuda ‘appened. Also we wuz swimmin’ in the sea an’ sum dollyfins swam by, those dollyfind cuda bin sharks and they is dangerous too. I got sunburnt on me bum, that wuz dangerous, luckily fer me one of the local boys spotted it an’ spent an hour rubbin’ sum of his special lotion onto it. Also I’s got really, really drunk an’ cuda got alcohol poisionin’, agin I wuz luck coz one of da local boys helped me to me room, I still carnt find the fong I wuz wearin’. So you sees how dangerous it is! We is goin’ ta Colorado next ta do a study about skeeyin’ fer the council now thar is dangerous!

Im a real bargin’ hunter I is, I luv gerrin a good deal so when this gezzer came ‘round floggin’ garden ornements fer £20 each, I snapped ‘em up, right on the button they was and they looks perfikt on our drive, gives us that majestic look.
I rekon the pikey geezer that sold ‘em to me wuz really unlucky, he hadta sell ‘em coz they wunt fit in the window box of his caravan, shame innit, but his loss is my gain.
I took a pikkie of ‘em, what do ya fink..... bargin or what?

Art Is Fer Refined Peeps

There aint no pleasin’ some peeps! Everyone wuz whingin’ abowt West shore bin bland so I said to my Byron, “I know Byron, I’ll dos somma me artwork there” warra great idea he said. Now that it turns out I gorra couple a quids fer doin’ it everyones goin’ barmy, silly bleeders. I fink it looks the bees knees an’ am sure everyone else does but theys just jumpin’ on the band lorry.
Me next projects gonna be on the prom an’ beach, I’s gonna do sommat really unique .... bronze statues of geezers just standin’ there an’ the tide washes ova them, great ideas I as ya know. I aint really sure whata charge but wes lookin arra new gaff on Deganwy key so its gorra covva that aint it.

30-17

I aint much of a rugby fan, I only watches it fer the beefy geezers, but I couldn’t help wonderin’ if 30-17 wuz a good score or not. I nos England scored 30 and my Byron says some geezer called Alun Wyn Jones gave them 17 of those, I dint fink Wales wuz supposed to do that, is they? 30-17 seems likea good score fer England but 30-17 dunt sound that good fer Wales, I mean, to me, 30-17 sounds like it wuz a arsekickin’ walkovva, wuz it.
How come England can score 30? is it because Wales was rubbish then? Dint Wales play wiv a full team or sommat, 30-17, even I know thats norra good result fer Wales, theys needed to score 15 more points to just draw, thats a lot innit, maybe its coz it were at Twickenham, coz thats in England innit.
I got turned down fer a job at Twickenham, I applied to be the baff lady but the computer said “No”, shame really coz I bet the England team is really celerbrating winnin’ 30-17.

Talkin' Dirty

Just got back from shoppin’ at Cheshire Trees, I dos like shoppin’ there, much more choice than at that “retail park” in Llandudno. I fink theys gorra cheek callin’ ita “Retail Park”, bit like me callin’ a pimple on me bum a “boil”. I no soona git me credit card out than Ive bin round it.
The town itself aint much berra, loadsa closed shops an’ dirty as a tramps bedroom, not tha’ as bin in a tramp’s bedroom mind, but ya knows worra mean. Iraint nice, is it, when yas got rubbish blowin’ al ova the shop coz the binmen aint dun their job properlike. I seen ‘em takin’ bags outta bins an’ leavin’ ‘em fer the seagulls ta play wiv, wot tossers ‘eh. I told my Byron “Them binmen is tossers” he said I shunt call ‘em tossers.... he’s right... the wankers.
Anywaz gorra nice few fings from Chester Oaks, new fongs an’ bikinis, gorra be careful wiv them fong fings, they keep goin’ up fer a snack an’ i as ta keep pullin’ ‘em out, me Byron prefers me ta go Commando burrit getsa bit drafty in this wevva dunnit, mind you as got me Caribbean trip cummin up, my Byron says I’ll havvta be careful of them Didyamakem geezers, he rekons theysal be all ovva me like a rash...... sounds fun!
Sees ya.

German Brothels

Just got back from a fact findin’ tour of German brothels, it were all paid fer by the Council as is all cultural visits an’ thingimijigs. Dint see much of them councillors, they wuz busy gerrin their facts right, I fink they said “facts”.
As I said to my Byron wot we wanna know about German brothels for, we aint got German brothels in Wales, he said No, we aint but if we evva do then we’ve got the facts on ‘em. Suppose it makes sense when you fink abowt it.
I went fer a sawna while I wuz there, mixed it was too an’ there were loads a sleazy German gezzers in it, one asked me if an’ I liked German sausage? burra aint inta them bratwursty fings so I told him no an’ skipped orf fer a sunbed session. My Byron likes me goin’ on the sunbed, he says it makes me look like a chicken, a chicken? He says the white bits are best.
Next week we’re orf again, we is goin’ to the Caribbean on a fact findin’ visit abowt turtles....... I aint told Byron we aint got turtles in Wales.... fink I’m stupid!